Death of an Indie Girl's Confidence
at the hands of Timothée Chalamet (it was involuntary manslaughter).
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Not to kill the mood but we are gathered here today to mourn the death of an indie girl’s self-confidence. (Identity withheld to protect the vulnerable.)
Cause of death? Murder.
As a matter of fact, this indie girl’s confidence was murdered by popular actor and heartthrob Timothée Chalamet. (It was involuntary manslaughter.)
The weapon? Kylie Jenner.
Timothée Chalamet stabbed Kylie Jenner through the heart of the indie girl’s confidence at a Beyoncé concert on September 4th, 2023.
It was a brutal slaughter, though completely unintentional.
Here’s how it happened:
The indie girl’s confidence was stabbed the second she realized that her indie dream boy, Chalamet, was dating Kylie Jenner. What pierced her so deeply was the realization that he was not who she thought he was.
(To be fair, she had never met him.)
*It is worth noting that the indie girl’s self-confidence was frail to begin with. She morally objected to the gym and therefore was weak asf, physically and mentally.*
In short, all it really took to take the indie girl out was the discovery that, though her indie boy (Chalamet) may chase monologue-giving, liberal arts college attendees, who know nothing of makeup contours on-screen, he may not choose them in real life.
As of September 4th, her indie boy was no longer Teddy Laurence, helplessly in love with indie girl icon Jo March. That night, with his arms around Kylie Jenner, all echoes of, “it’s no use, Jo we’ve gotta have it out”, were lost in the reverberations of Beyoncé’s performance.
As of September 4th, the indie boy was no longer Gatsby Welles either and, consequently, was no longer pursuing the polarizing yet very indie Elle Fanning on a rainy day in New York City.
As of September 4th, the indie boy also wasn’t Elio Perlman.
(Turns out the indie boy isn’t even Italian. Or bisexual!)
Instead, as of September 4th, the indie boy was making out with Kylie Jenner.
As previously established, Kylie Jenner is the weapon in this incident. However, not in the way you might expect. You see, Kylie isn’t violent. She’s a weapon in the sense that if she were to walk into the Love Island UK Villa, male contestants would exclaim, “she’s an absolute weapon!”
In short, she’s hot.
Leading up to the fatal Beyoncé concert, our indie girl had been aware of Kylie's power as a weapon. What’s more, she had supported it. (Our indie girl is a feminist after all.) She loved watching Kylie use her weapon status to bring athletes and rap stars to their knees.
The thing is, the indie girl never expected Kylie to bring an indie boy to his knees.
For whatever reason, our indie girl thought she had dibs on Chalamet… despite never meeting him. (She called dibs primarily by posting fan edits of him on TikTok.)
And though the indie girl was rather ordinary looking, with thin lips and no abs, she had always felt Chalamet would appreciate her mind.
(Embarrassing for her, and a fatal notion as it turns out.)
On September 4, as her self-confidence bled out, our indie girl grappled with a few difficult questions.
First: Should she get lip filler?
Second: If Kylie Jenner had been in Little Women, would Laurie have chased her instead of Jo? Instead of Amy, even?
And though the indie girl did rather enjoy the mental image of Kris Jenner in a period piece, the subsequent pain proved too much for her to bear.
So RIP to indie girl’s confidence. It was weak anyway.
But – there is hope for a revival! First responders are on the scene, performing a life-saving surgery on her confidence. A full recovery may be possible—especially if our stubborn girl is willing to look beyond her perceived “type.”
You see, recent case studies show that many indie girl patients have actually found healthy, epic relationships by stepping outside this “type.”
One clear example of this is the current girlfriend of action star Keanu Reeves. While Reeves is often associated with on-screen weapons (both female and otherwise), he has recently coupled up with a woman both indie AND age-appropriate—a phenomenon virtually unheard of for a man of his notoriety. We applaud this anomaly and wish Reeves and his cool artist girlfriend, Alexandra Grant, all the best.
A second example comes from mega star Harry Styles. Though he may seem like a run-of-the-mill pop prince, his dating history includes plenty of women who wouldn’t be caught dead in his signature sequined onesie. Until recently, he was even linked to indie icon Taylor Russell, who prefers a cool-girl trench.
And finally, the bro of all bros (brothers? brethren?): Channing Tatum. Against all odds, this rom-com wonder has been chosen (and converted to cool) by his indie girl fiancé Zoe Kravitz. We’re obsessed.
So yeah, we sincerely hope these realizations can revive the indie girl’s confidence and bring her peace throughout her recovery.
Should her confidence resurrect, we suggest that, as part of her treatment, she explore the thirst traps of a more rugged type—perhaps someone like Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson. As our indie girl stretches beyond her extremely limiting indie pool, she may find herself capable of fanny flutters she never thought possible.
stumbled across this and was delighted by the read, actually lol-ed at the stm reference
Kris Jenner as Marmie 😭